“Let Nothing Matter but God.” This has been my motto lately. Doesn’t that just about sum up everything? And like any other new and grand system of thought, I suppose it must be tested. And so I see every passion I have known coming before me now, to prove my new perspective and solidify it’s presence in me. First there is the anger, due to the typical, being cut off in traffic. Someone pulls in front of me and drives slower than me. This is a daily occurrence. The anger rises up and is quickly assuaged by my new ideas. I have decided my feelings have become an idol and deliberately by pass them this time. I will not idolize my feelings from now on, nor anything else. If truly nothing matters but God anymore, and feelings (for me) are idols, I no longer have worry, which has never been my biggest problem anyway, but also, depression doesn’t rule me. There is my tendency to ruminate on the last offense, repeating the scenario over and over. “Why did she talk to me like that, and what could I have said instead?” etc. All is washed away. These things no longer matter. And what a tremendous relief that they don’t have to. Offenses don’t matter, pleasures, people who disappoint, irritations – they were idols, I let them go.
Now the real test, a guy I’m crushing on. Could he possibly like me? He is a professional. The guys I have liked in the past have not even had jobs. He is a strong believer in God. I am thinking of him too much. While in his class, I decidedly focus on the content only, just as he is. But then I notice his sensitive eyes, his beautiful melodic speaking voice. On the drive home I wonder if it is okay to dream, and why the heck not? I am in my late 40s now. Is it not only natural for a lady to like a nice guy? I create a scenario in my mind and recognize that this too is becoming an idol, a bit of an obsession, and certainly something which never has worked for me.
God has never given me what I asked for in just the way I required it. I try to give this dream to God, but it sticks in place. This is the hardest thing for me to turn over to him, for the alternative is aloneness. Choosing God means possibly I will have no one. I try to focus on all I have without this guy, my hula hooping, the music I am studying for the Ocean Grove Chorale production in August, my wonderful job, my friends and family in Michigan. I give up and for a moment feel I have absolutely nothing. In deficit, I wait for God’s spirit to come in and fill me again, as I recall He has before. When I do a google search, I find evidence that the guy I like is indeed gay, as I thought he might be. Given what I have found, I’m pretty sure he is gay. After an evening of research, I have almost completely let go of the dream. Truly I would like to encourage him as a friend. I genuinely care about him and could be a blessing to him one day. This vision is more in line with what God would have me think, and I am no longer feeling convicted.
“Let nothing matter but God.” As I wait on Him, can He fill the emptiness left by my idols? I am alone tonight, though I have friends online. Many of them are single also. This helps. Thank you Lord.
I am not drinking, and have pretty much resolved there is no good reason to engage in drinking at all. Though I consider it at times, I simply talk myself out of the loss inherent in wasting my evening in this way. I am not watching movies which I feel I should not watch, and have found other things to occupy my time tonight.
At first, I wished there was something more for me, something more than trying to be a contented, meek and humble single lady, still hoping that somehow a miracle could occur that brings about the ultimate relationship. But now instead, I wait. God Himself surely has something in mind for me, His child. He will fill the emptiness in His way. And as certain as I am His, and He is mine, and He is in control of this life before me, may He be pleased with my sacrifices to Him this day. As I continue in my quest to identify and lay down every idol, He will fill me soon, with what, I do not know.