How Do I Love Me?

I am contemplating a new, more accessible book to make available online, other than the one you have heard me speak of, which has not come out yet. During my prayer time today, I thought of a new quote for this book, and quickly went to the computer to “write” it down:

“Your life purpose has to be worth enough for you to cause the rest of your life to fall in line with it.”

When this thought occurred to me, I assume by the influence of the Holy Spirit, and in line with the direction which I had asked for in my prayer time today, I was miraculously empowered, and began to get my life back on track.

But my life has not been on track. I have been brought down by a message in my own psyche and reflected in so many places in my culture, that I could not seem to get away from it. How important it is to keep the right “voices” around us, in order to move forward in life and stay on track with our own personal goals.

But how to get away from that voice that says my goals have no value – The guy whom I had begun to get to know, who suddenly disappeared when he could more clearly see who I was, and that I was not in actuality what he was looking for; The publishing companies and agents who feel the entire market belongs to them and they decide who is and is not successful; the church leaders who have no use for me or my spiritual gifts, as the reality of my journey does not seem important enough in the entire scheme of things. And then there are the friends who don’t see me, the real me, but someone who should remain unsuccessful as they have resolved to be. While I had tried to bring them up, they deliberately brought me down, and so, sadly, I had to let them go, and am working stringently on establishing better friendships. This is going well by the way. But I still miss and cry for my old friends.

I went to a bar last week. Although, I somewhat regret this decision. I wanted to see if they were friendly there. They had karaoke. I wanted to see if this was something I would fit into. Usually my routine had been to go to church on Wednesdays. Would I find a better fit at this local bar? There was a very nice man who talked to me. He seemed to respect me and my right to be there. He heard that I was new in town and bought me a beer, which is not a small thing given the current cost of drinks in local New Jersey bars, and also one of the reasons I never go to bars. The night didn’t really turn out well. Although I had brought work with me, and got a little bit done, I was stuck with that old feeling again, that the night had been a pure waste of time.

The next day, this made me feel bad. What do I have to live for if not the things God has given me to do? Taking a road where I am only drinking, watching movies, and generally wasting time could not be worth living for. And following the voices of others seems to insure that I am not cut out for much more than this.

I must learn to have confidence in that voice within me that tells me I was made for more. No doubt if I spend more time in God’s word, listening to great preachers, who are available all around, and continue to encourage myself through my own spirit-filled voice, I will rise above these lies inside and all around that tell me I am worthless. I must, out of love for my very self, encourage myself daily and refuse to believe that my life is worth nothing.

God help me to know You, and to know what it is You, and only You, have for your favored child while on this earth. Help me follow Your voice above all others, and to the glory of your kingdom. Let me know the peace that comes with knowing I am valued, and in the center of Your eternal will for me.