“If I love God, I love what God loves. God loves me, so I love me.”
I haven’t written lately, and this is symptomatic of my current state. Things have changed since the summer. I have been back in that mindset once again where I have had to find a reason to do good for myself. “Why?” I ask myself. “Why exercise, why diet, why not drink? Why clean the house? Why take good care of myself?” My house is still not tidy by the way. It’s not filthy, I could never allow that. But in spite of the sense of high expectations I, or someone else has placed on myself, it’s never where I want it to be. I actually feel bad about myself each day when I step into my car and it is not yet vacuumed, though I’ve been promising myself for a week that I would do this.
But what motivation could actually prove strong enough for me to conquer my natural drift toward laziness and simply vacuum my car, something I’ve done hundreds of times, something so incredibly easy?
The guilt is never enough to move me into action. The sense of guilt makes me want to run. I have been binge-ing on a series on Netflix. By this means I escape into someone else’s world. I feel like these people are my friends now and I want to get back to them. I want to see how the relationships will pan out. The problem is, they’re not real. They’re completely fabricated.
The one thing that works for me in such a state, is to somehow run into a revelation of my own worth. First this self-worth, a gift from God Himself, shows up in my restful moments. I learn by His guidance to let myself rest. I don’t have to drink to rest. I don’t have to go and buy ice cream or a 4 pack of apple turnovers. I just rest. Maybe I do nothing, maybe I pray quietly on my front porch. But I relax softly in the comfort which I do not have to purchase. I find gratitude. I simple enjoy. I don’t take. I don’t get, or grasp. I only receive. When I lay down to take a nap, I remember a simple Scripture which ministers to me, “for so He giveth His beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2).
After the moment of recalling His great love and care for me, I find the ability to love myself. I now truly have empowerment and can do anything. I clean my car because I love myself, like He does, and I want my self to feel good. I want to do all kinds of things now in this new frame of mind. I want to eat healthy for me. I want to have a nice clean house for me to wake up to. I want to exercise so that in the morning I can know that I did something to improve my vessel which I am committed to using on this earth for His purposes.
I have coined a new phrase, as I told a friend on the phone today. “If I love God, I love what God loves. God loves me, so I love me.”
I am just now coming back. I had accepted a thought process that I know now is not from God. I had some friends who I loved so very much. But they had lived in this place of seeming to love God, but not loving themselves, and subsequently, not loving me. They didn’t value my friendship, as they don’t really value anything in their lives. How they need God’s love and how I pray for this for them. Meanwhile I am moving on past friendships which are not God’s best for me for now. Though I may be alone, I am moving forward in faith, knowing that although I am not perfect, God has great things in store for me simply because I’m His child and because He loves me so much.
That life lived by faith that I am now moving toward is one of unearned rewards. As I go forward, I will find blessings, like candy filled Easter eggs on resurrection morning. This is Who God is, and my faith is in Him, not me, though I am the recipient due to His love for me. Nothing will ever compare. I won’t put my faith in uncertain riches, in junk food, alcohol, or other easily obtainable addictive type substances. I put my faith completely in the reality of this love I am only beginning to understand.
This love from God is greater than my desire to work for Him or even obey Him. He is greater than my inclination to try so hard to meet the expectations I feel are on me, or my misunderstanding of a nearly constant desire to run from something not even truly present. Such expectations are and always have been merely fabricated by a confused society’s notion of who God really is. This revelation, insomuch as I am able to believe it, brings me much needed rest.