In my recent recollection is a cruelty which is exactly what I have been writing against. It has been a great trial to begin to see that God also is against this cruelty. I compare my current state to that of a fighter between rounds, sitting on the sidelines having my wounds treated before the next battle, hopefully a more humane one.
There is a spirit of hate coming from the church, the last one I went to, to be exact. When I exclaimed in my book, in the beginning stages, that I matter, a demon it seems, in the form of a caring friend, attacked me quite harshly. This person whom I hardly knew, came from the same church possessing that mindset which I wrote against. The association of this person with that erroneous mindset had eluded me. Their communal style of thinking implies that a person means nothing unless conformed to the whiles of the church leaders. This person came against me and my book like nothing I had ever seen through a lengthy email. I chose at the time not to allow it to bother me. But connected to her was my sweet little home group, a group not acquainted with such harsh criticisms or dealings. In fact, the entire church does not seem to take on confrontation very well. So, as the right thing to do would be to have meetings and work through such things, the easier thing to do seemed to be engaged instead. In such churches, one is scape-goated and asked to leave, or shunned until she leaves on her own. The leaders, also proponents of the same group think, raised eye brows at my chosen book title “He Believes in Me,” as if it were preposterous to think that my father in heaven would consider someone so small and seemingly insignificant. However, it was only to their church I was insignificant. And I am learning more and more that they were definitely in the wrong with this mindset.
I had a great prayer time today. I listened to Psalm 119 which is very rich with wisdom toward those being persecuted by others who seem to be in the right. There is a scripture that says “I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation” (Psalm 119:99). This Scripture and others like it, really spoke to me today. I began to remember the revelations I had had while attending the church; that I was more learned, even than many of the leaders. This lady who criticized me so harshly was a new believer. The truth is, God is at work teaching everyone. And for me, it is a step up which I must take, to be where God is at in my life, and not a step down.
It is okay that I am moving on from a church void of the truth, and into a much better church. As this current church lines up very well with my understanding of the Bible, it is clear that I am not the only one who believes in the God of love, as I do. It is clear that God is at work in my life, and I don’t need to doubt this, just because there are disturbances from associates from my former church.
I was thinking today also of the fact of my pets not being welcome to my home groups, whose leaders are attached to, and therefore inadvertently influenced by the teachings of this church. I had asked but there was never really place for this. There wasn’t great interest in my book. And as nice as the home groups were, and the Nursing Home ministry as well, there was no room for me, unless I completely conformed. They would never reach out to where I was at, assuming that wherever I was could not be a good, or important place. It is as if to say God moves in the church only, but not in the lives of its individual members.
I am only beginning to understand a lot of this. I am finding that a large part of my calling is that I’m very musical. But this was discouraged in the last church I attended, and again, I remain deeply hurt by this. I did practice music but was forced to go to other church ministries, in order to be able to use my gift. Everything I tried to participate in, outside of my home groups, was looked at with great scepticism. As of now I have not recovered from this injury yet. Many would say this is a wrong perspective, which is another injury. That’s why I put it in writing, and have not really told anyone yet. I have found the first step to healing is allowing myself to ache a little. After all, as I recently learned in a grief recovery course, to grieve a loss means you have loved.
The final end of all my thoughts today was a rich discovery: I simply cannot handle these things without the Holy Spirit. When I begin to sense Him in my life giving me wisdom, the truth of everything starts to come in and makes sense again. Over and over again I find that I am not enough. But the wisdom from the Holy Spirit is not just something which makes me feel better, it makes sense out of everything. His grace is all that will help me to face the darkness of all I have recently been through. I praise Him that I am out, and as of today I now know it is givin to me to continue to pray for those still in the obscure darkness of the demonic presence which is being misinterpreted as light.