I have had a lot to think about these last few months. And I have been, at times, the opposite of what my book and my theory teaches me to be, someone who believes in myself, the same way God does.
I have been thinking about my book, but somehow came under the impression that it is not important. Once again, I am not important.
This morning during my prayer time, I brought all of this to God, the hurt from my recent past, the church people I tried to connect with who I seemed not to matter to, the seemingly good friend, who was not averse to talking about me behind my back. Then there was the lady I hardly knew who offered to read my book, and from her own newly acquired and limited “Christian” mindset, not only tore me apart with words, but suggested that we meet with the pastor over the ideas in my book, apparently so new and different to her, she could not accept them. These things were like a curse to me that I could not seem to get past.
I sat them in chairs in my living room with God present. I talked to them and realized eventually I was their leader, not they, mine. While I had something to offer them, none of them would be able to meet my needs, ever. None of them had displayed God’s love in their actions toward me. And all of them had judged me. The spirit with which I had written my book was one that came from God. And somewhere inside me I knew it was God’s will that I write this book. But I had to forgive and let go of these people first. So I did. And I made a new commitment to myself to get into the book, and my writings, again. Even if it didn’t feel right to me yet, I would still do it. I have found that in reading what I had already written, I was being ministered to in the areas I needed anyway, by the me that had been strong enough in the Spirit previously, to write such words of wisdom.
A big part of the problem is addressed in the book: this is my life to lead and not theirs. They don’t call the shots for my life. They don’t even know enough about me to do that adequately. Each of the ones seated in my living room today, did not know me, in varying degrees. They all mis-judged me, and this is between God and them. I asked God to take it. And I spoke to them and said I forgave them. So hopefully today marks the first day back on the course that I should have been on all along.
I need to believe me, NOT them. They are wrong to judge what they don’t know. They are false and have held me back, but I need to continue to pray for, and keep forgiving them. This is what Jesus would do and has done. In praying for them, instead of seeing them as persons with the power to hurt me, they are now children, also in need themselves. They are not able to give me the credit I otherwise as a studied, intelligent, Spirit-filled individual should receive from them. In turn, they cannot receive what my book has to offer. Again this is between God and them. I have plenty of people who have already said the book has helped them. It is a crime for me to be held back by these people who do not know the harm they’re causing or how they may be restricting my progress. It is a crime which I must forgive.
They do not determine my fate. Seeing them as less powerful, I can see the truth now. What God has started will continue, but it is up to me to get in touch with His Spirit. For without Him it is clear I can do nothing. But what else is clear now is that without him I give other people way too much power over my life. With Him I am fulfilled and able to see more clearly. I am loved, and have enough love to sustain myself, if and when others let me down.
With Him, I have no deficits and there is more than enough love for everyone. Those who have persecuted me don’t know this. And this is why I must pray for them. If they didn’t believe there was such deficit, they wouldn’t have had anything against me. They wouldn’t have been covetous, and afraid somehow of losing something they felt was in my hands to have removed from them. I am free from the control they demonstrated. This control was a lie. Perhaps they have nothing else going for them other than the illusion that they are able to control others with such lies from the enemy. All the more reason I should pray for them. Their faith is not in a kind and loving God, but in a lie. I am not, and never again need to be subject to this same lie myself.