My Current Struggle (a reflection of my own book)

With my newest book “Self-Ownership Theory” having recently come out, I find I am as much a recipient in need of its information as any reader. That being said, I am inclined to question whether I am really following it’s advice.

I understand fully that there are 2 “persons” in all of us battling for control, and that these 2 people must learn to work together for the betterment of the over all integrated person. I understand that this relationship which one has with oneself is built on trust. The Immediate-Self, needs to trust the wiser decisions made from the Place of Strength within the Ultimate-Self. The Ultimate-Self in turn must accept and forgive the more childish decisions made by the Immediate-Self. It is always the Immediate-Self where the problems, the addictions, the emotional lows, and the impulsive decisions occur.

Of course, I have a full understanding of this, as I am the one who wrote the concept. But you may be surprised to learn that I do not always follow it. My own Immediate-Self has been struggling with one pervasive concept; that is the need for support from others.

I have 2 major places in my life which I feel I have a right to expect some support from. One is my church and the other is my new place of work, which is actually an internship. In both instances, I am challenging myself to stay the course for my own ultimate betterment. But my Immediate-Self is deprived in various capacities.
My new church is strong. I do feel led to be there. They are King James Only, they believe in tithing, and they sing all the beautiful hymns I grew up with and now sing with my band, and in the Ocean Grove Choir. But I have no friendships there. True to form for me, I did approach the pastor about this, in part because I wanted him to know if I left why it was I did so. The pastor knows my name and says he prays for me. I have learned the names of a few people who sit near me. But I need numbers, a home group, a lady’s fellowship. These things I have had at previous churches and they helped me to not feel alone. In this church I feel desolate. It is as a great college class, and little more. I can however stay here and learn and grow as God no doubt has planned for me, if I can find a way to get my needs met in other ways during the week. I am struggling to do this.

For my internship, I am finding I have to be proactive to get what I need. I hear of the needs in this place, and know that I am more than capable of helping. But they are so busy covering for staff who suddenly disappeared for various reasons, they seem unaware that I have rushed there from my busy schedule to do nothing but strive to find things to do. As a consequence I’ve resorted to things like writing notes for my other job (if I remembered to bring my computer), or writing in my journal. I literally have gone to several different counselors and asked them to teach me. All this aside, they are a great group, and I believe there is promise here. There is one very impressive gentleman who has allowed me to lead his group with him and seems to know where I’m coming from. And I have spoken to the director, so things are going in a good direction, but it is a fight.

When I seek God for these things, I feel He is telling me to not give in and not stop fighting. Rather than quit church, and/or seek a different intern position, I am working to be patient and keep hope alive. What I need is a vision. I do see myself one day being hired as a counselor in this program as I know I have the talents to do this job well, but I must have faith that something better is on the way solely by virtue of my relationship with God, who always has a plan.

I have to start developing friendships in other places. I have to push myself to go out. I have decided to start going to AA groups, which is a requirement for my internship as well. I am convinced this is where I will find the connections I need. My current church and my internship are likely not the best places to be honest about who I am and what I struggle with anyway.

Rather than quit on these people it is likely I am deliberately meant by God to support and learn to grow with, I struggle to get the support I need in alternate ways, striving daily to remain committed to the current difficult road He has me on, and to become successful in my servitude to Him while on it.

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