I’m thinking of how it starts to steal from you, though it started as nothing but good intentions. I am examining my true motives. Why do I put aside other things to be with him? To help him? To give to him when he so often takes, but does not receive. How bad everything seems to have become. Why is it bad? And what is bad? And why am I here, and not “doing me?” Who is me, and why is she not worth more? And he agrees. I follow. Follow him to him, to doing things his way, letting him lead, hoping for more. Knowing somewhere in side he has less to offer me than I do! Less to offer me than God does. I saw him at first in line with God, as an extension of my Christian service. But what is it now? What has it become? He has made it clear he doesn’t like me as a girlfriend, and this will never happen. I used to get frustrated at this as I wanted him to see me as a servant, someone there only to help him without wanting anything in return. I wanted him to see me as more credible. But again, he is making me feel like a lost puppy desiring something from him which he refuses.
How did it become this? I am the one with the resources. He doesn’t drive or even have a job, nor could he legitimately do either. I am there to help him, and I offer so much, and I give so much. But he insists on seeing it a different way.
Today I am trying again to move on. It’s not a codependent relationship really, but it almost is. I must need something from him to feel it is hard to move on. He wanted to hang out again tonight. I have nothing to do. I think of how nice it would be to drive around and see the Christmas lights on the last night of the year, through the newly fallen snow that we all awoke to. I see the magic and wonderment of the Christmas season. But the same magic is not there with him. I have to convince myself that if I am with him, he will not enjoy it with me, and it just won’t work out.
Am I afraid somehow to drive around tonight by myself to see all the snow enhanced lights? Maybe I will take my cat, Elijah. Is this too crazy? I don’t think I will. But it is a thought. The truth is, there is a lot I could do tonight, other than hang out with him… again. He brings me down. I see that now.
I am looking older. But if I lightened my hair and worked out tonight, I can begin to become the best version of myself, and feel good about myself. This will be my plan and I will determine right now that it is worthwhile, because I am worthwhile. My favorite saying, “If I love God, I love what God loves. God loves me, so I love me!
Here’s to really believing it in the new year! Here’s to believing in me like God believes in me, doing things for His kingdom, things with everlasting value, through the unique and special me that He gave me to be.