This blog was created to be like a journal. Why I go through spells of not writing is somewhat of a mystery to me, and ironically something I need to write about.
Lately, however you may be glad to know, I have been writing in my paper journal, and also I have been writing about the election of 2020, as well as the current situation with the coronavirus which has disrupted everything worldwide.
I wake up in a depression sometimes. I’ve learned to thank God in these times for the littlest of things, for coffee, for my apartment, my cat, the sun if it is shining.
I need goals. I often realize that God is all I have to live for. I think of scriptures like “I count all things loss compared to the excellency of knowing God.” and “You are not your own,” and “all things are yours and you are Christ’s and Christ is God’s.” These scriptures help me a lot. They help me feel better. Some would say feelings don’t matter. But I am convinced that they do. And thus begins my separation from the current organized church.
If I were going to choose a church, it would be the last one I attended. But I am feeling differently now, and I have an awareness that this is okay. I am seeing that church buildings and the organization of people which inhabit them, conduct themselves in a way that serves their community. But this leaves me on the outside. I have not found anyone to support what God is doing in me. However, being alone feels much better than being alone in the midst of such an organization, pretending everything is okay and trying to make it work by getting rid of myself.
Getting rid of myself. This would be the only way to connect with such an institution, but it feels like death. Should I kill all that is within me to fit in? I cannot do that anymore.
When I was in Jr. High, my life was bad. It felt bad. Everything was wrong. I didn’t even know how to communicate with my world. I didn’t have the know how to make it work. I was lonely, alone, and I truly felt like no one liked me, not at home, not at school. I have pictures in my memory of my mom, my brother and my sister all yelling at me. I didn’t know why then, and I don’t know why now. I suppose I was scapegoated for all the family’s problems. I don’t care to get into that now. But what I did want to tell you is, I had a dream. I remember looking around my living room and saying “good bye” to everything there, the couch, chairs, everything. For tomorrow I was running away to New York.
It wasn’t until I was 40 that I was able to make that dream happen.
I have been recalling lately that I finally did it. I don’t live in New York, but I am only 40 minutes outside of it. But these days, I am in a prime location. It is common for those working in the city to live in New Jersey instead. And due to the pandemic, many are moving here from the city. Today in fact I will run away to NYC and do a taping for my Youtube channel. It is different now. We are in the middle of the great pandemic of 2020, and everything has changed.
When I sought to run away during Jr. High, I had $50 in the bank, and I didn’t even know which direction to run to. I also didn’t have a car. I did not have the means to run away as I do today. Recalling these things, I feel free. As a share driver, I drive when and if I want to and need to. I am also trying to set up a new life for myself. I want to move away from this New Jersey life I have become stuck in. Surely my fate is to be more of a New Yorker, though the world is changing so much, it’s hard to know where even the greatest city in the world is going to end up.
I also have plans to become more involved at Princeton. I don’t necessarily see myself in some grandiose role there. But rather as John Nash, I perceive of myself as deficient in some capacity, but holding a gifting which is currently rather ill-defined. Perhaps in connection with NYC and with Princeton, I may find it.
Otherwise, I sense this great gifting within me, and it is painful. I feel around me a world that expects me to be nothing but what they define me as, or to disappear altogether. To keep from this fate, I must let myself become what God Himself has put in me.
I may be called selfish or a misfit. As I see what is going on with Trump, our current president, and have shared what many others seem to know also, I have made enemies on Facebook. Someone even told me that they and others talked about me at a party and concluded that I had lost my mind.
I have somewhat resigned myself to being someone they may talk about at parties. After all, the best people in the world, such as Joel Osteen, have enemies they don’t deserve.
At any rate, I am attaining to a new level now which they are not. And so, where I used to care so much what people think, I don’t now. I’ve been informed from different sources that they also persecuted the prophets, in like manner (Mt. 5:12). I have only spoken the truth. I pray God is pleased about this, and care about little else. After all, I am not really attached to any group presently, and keep a distant connection with friends and family. I know there are others who see what I see, so I know I have not lost my mind.
At any rate, going to the Word of God and learning that it is okay to trust my own God-given mind, I know I am on the right path. I have spent most of my life getting to know God, after all. It is Him I must answer to, and I ought rather to obey God than man (Acts 5:29).
I keep before me the following things: writing, hula hooping, my Youtube channel, my music, serving God in all these areas, my future connection with NYC and Princeton. And I can go on. I also have been strongly considering taking classes to become a foster parent. I always wanted to do this with a husband. But if God does not bring the right guy into my life, I will strive to do it alone.
My plan is to have a farm house and several different animals, maybe in Pennsylvania. I would like the kids to tend to the animals and also we will build a garden together. Not least, I will teach them about Jesus.
When I think of my own childhood, I think I have quite an affinity with such kids in foster care. Perhaps like them, I felt lost and alone. I was sure no one cared. I called on God because He was all I had. I want them to know they can call on Him too. I have figured out a lot in life. These things I would be honored to teach them. I am waiting for the pandemic to cease. Perhaps rather than falling apart, the world will be renewed in a new and spectacular way. Today I have hope, if only a little.
He Believes in Me! 